Thanksgiving

Well it has been a wild ride here. The boys came up from FL for Thanksgiving and we had a house full of boys & toys. It was great though. I am doing better now. I went back to work early. I think that really helps me, how crazy does that sound, but it is helping. All the kids are great & we are still adjusting to the midnight feedings. It is getting cold up here. There have been a few days of flurries & already one day that school has been delayed. So I think it might be a long winter here. Well I miss everyone & I hope you had a great Thanksgiving and have happy holidays!

Getting there...I think.

Well just a short update. I am still working on finding my way back to "normal". I had a get together last night with a few people and I really think it helped out. I needed some social interaction. I am working on trying to control my mood swings. It seems like my major break downs are getting further apart. So I think I am progressing for the better. The kids are great! Masen is putting on weight and Brysen is into anything and everything. Kolby and Klayten will be here for Thanksgiving, so I am really excited about that. It will be good for Brysen. He misses them very much and is really excited about them coming. It will be nice to have our whole family here. All of my men. Well that is it for now, I will keep you posted.

Normal??!!

Well things have started to improve. I think that I have had a small on set of PP depresion, but how do you really know what that is? It is kind of hard to explain what it is when you don't even know yourself. The baby is doing good, Brysen is doing good, just the terrible two's. I just don't feel like myself. I can't even say I know what myself is suppose to feel like right now. My doctor has me on some post partum meds, I don't know if they are working or not, because I can't seem to figure out what normal is. It sounds crazy but when I was pregnant with hormones raging I still felt normal. Right now, I wouldn't know normal if it staired back at me in a mirror. I talked to one of my best friends that delivered a few weeks before me and she has had similar feelings, so I can't say that I am way out side the relam of sanity but still it is hard feeling this out touch with yourself. I am normally a very strong woman, and normally take control of everything and I am the one who holds this family and work life together. Right now I can barely hold myself together and that is just not ok. The worrying if everything is going to be ok, am I doing this right for Brysen, am I being too hard on him with all this change in his life, am I being a good wife even though I am not at 100%, so many things weigh in. I am hoping that this is a phase that will pass soon. Trust me, I don't want to feel pregnant again, but I would love to have "normal" back again. Hey I could make that a new song, instead of "Sexy Back", "Normal Back". There is my humor for the night.

HALLOWEEN

Well Halloween was a hit for Brysen. He was Obi Wan Konobi. "Daddy Star Wars" is what he called it. He liked trick or treating this year. He only made it to about 12 houses but he really liked ringing the door bell. Masen stayed inside while Brysen went door to door at Grandad's house. Masen was a black cat. As you can see I have posted pictures of both of them in their costumes. I can't imagine next year. Well to all, I hope you had a Happy Halloween, we definitely did.

Relax... it's my time

Ok, I have come to grips with work. I know the girls will be fine and I just need to relax. I talked to my doctor last night & she said, by the time you actually relax, it will be time to come back to work. She is right. So I am starting to relax and embrace the time I have with Masen & Brysen. Being a mother is the most gratifying job you will ever have and I am so blessed that I have two wonderful children and two fantastic step sons. I know it is time for me to have "my time" and I am going to take it. Masen went to his weight check appointment yesterday and he now weighs 5 lbs 14 oz. He gained 7 oz in 5 days. He is doing good. Brysen went too, and got his flu shot. He was not happy about that. My mom and I also took Brysen to get his Halloween costume. He is going to be Obi Wan Kinobi from Star Wars. He looks so cute! He calls it Obi Knowbi. Jasen is doing well also, he is working and tired. He is helping with the midnight feedings and it is taking a toll. He is working 4 tens this week so he is off on Friday & I think he really needs it. Our family is doing well. More to come....

Just let go...

Ok, I am having a big problem. To some it is going to sound stupid, but I am feeling really guilty for the way everything is going at work. It seems like since I have gone out that anything that can pop up has. I really don't understand why I can't be one of those people to just walk away from it and take the time I need. I feel like I have to help as much as I can, and I guess part of the problem is that I know the staff is already so over worked and has so much on their plates, that I feel bad that they have to pick up my slack. I wanted things to go smoother when I left and I know that I can not help that I delivered early, but I feel that I need to make up for what has happened. How do you let go? Some people can, and I think that if I had left on a more planned out note, then it would be fine. I don't like it when things are beyond my control and I can't fix things. That is why I guess I am trying to "fix" the fact of how I left, but that is a job that is going to be impossible. By no means do I think that they can't make it with out me, I know they can, I just can't help but feeling like I have dumped on my team. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel bad, but I do, I lay in bed thinking,"oh they need to pull this," or I am in the shower, "Oh, I forgot to tell them how to do this." It is on my mind almost all the time. How do you just clear it? I had a card reader tell me one time that it is like I am married to my job. If I was to cheat on my husband it would be with my job. How sad is that? I just feel like there is always something else I need to do. Maybe one day I will figure it out, but right now it is killing me.

Home Sweet Home, well almost

We are home!!! It is nice to be out of the hospital and be back to the comforts of home. The only thing that is not going so well is Jasen is sick. We think he got the cold/sinus infection that Brysen has. Brysen is finishing up antibiotics, and is on the tail end of his cold. Jasen's hit strong on Tuesday and has got worse. He is on antibiotics too. I know it is driving him crazy, because he can't help with Masen. Masen's immune system right now is very low & if he was to get sick, it could send us to Children's. So Jasen has been sleeping on the couch & watching at a distance as Masen is getting use to his new home. Hopefully he will kick this in the next day or so. As for Masen he is doing well. He lost a little bit more weight than he needed to so, when we went to the pediatrician on Tuesday she upped his feeding amount & then also decreased the time between feedings. So he is taking almost 2 oz every 2 1/2 hours. We went back to have him weighed on Wednesday and he gained 1/2 an ounce. He has to go back on Friday for them to check his weight again. So that is about it right now. I am tired.....very tired and healing, but I am happy to have Brysen & Masen home. I am at a very happy place in my life right now. The only thing that I am worried about is the way I went out at work & the burden that I am causing on everyone else. I was not ready to go out and still had not trained everyone as thoroughly as it was needed. Mom had picked up shifts because I wasn't suppose to deliver until November & now she is having to rearrange her schedule and have people cover for her. I just feel like I have made life harder for everyone around me. That is something that I am going to have to work through. I know that there wasn't an option but I still wish it wasn't so sudden. I guess this is confirmation that you can not control and plan everything in life, which I knew, but I still was trying to hold on to the hope that I could hold it all together for a little bit longer. I don't know, just thoughts to think about, and trust me I do, if you can't tell. Well I am going to get up and try to get going. I have a post op appointment this morning and it takes me a while to get myself together. More to come...ta-ta for now.